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My Relationship Step-Families
My Relationship Step-Families
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More Complications, More Opportunity
Standing at the intersection of two, three, and sometimes even more families-each with its own culture, traditions, and values-the spouses in a step-family face more complications than in a typical first marriage. At the same time, they're more likely to have the life experience and the broader perspective they need to take on these complications-and discover new opportunities and rewards.
Before You Marry
While premarital preparation significantly increases any couple's chances for a successful marriage, it's the very foundation of a successful step-family. You and your future spouse need to lay out your financial situation and goals, discuss parenting styles, and determine how you'll deal with ex-spouses. And that's on top of focusing on your own relationship! A course on communication and conflict resolution (such as PREP or PAIRS) can help you keep talking while you learn positive communication patterns. Whatever you do, don't live together before you marry. Recent research by the University of Wisconsin indicates 40% of cohabitants break up before getting married. Couples who do marry after living together experience a 50% higher divorce rate than those who don't cohabit.
Put Your Marriage First
The National Step-family Resource Center (www.stepfamilies.info), a division of Auburn University's Center for Children, Youth, and Families, says the number one secret to success as a step-family is nurturing your relationship as a couple. Show each other affection, spend time alone together, practice open and positive communication, and remember that little things mean a lot. It takes conscious effort to put your marriage first, because in a step-family, the parent-child relationship has a longer history than the new couple's relationship. In an FAQ section on its website, the NSRC says, "This can make it difficult for the adults to feel as though they are the primary, long-term relationship. It also means that the incoming marriage partner often feels like an intruder or outsider."
Respect and Care for Stepchildren
Recognize and respect the bond children have with their biological parent. In her "Unconventional Wisdom" column in Psychology Today, Hara Estroff Marano writes, "Step-families do not function like biological families, at least at first. For children to accept discipline, the biological parent must carry it out" (Sept/Oct 2006). The NSRC also reminds stepparents that their new family is not a replacement for or a recreation of the children's biological family: "Instead of trying to blend everyone, it seems far better to help all individuals to understand the nature of the extended and expanded family, with various segments having permeable boundaries."
Keep Expectation's Realistic
While you don't plan to be the wicked stepparent of fairy tale infamy, you also shouldn't expect to be Mike or Carol Brady of TV sitcom fame. The NSRC notes that adjustment to step-family life takes time: "Because step-families are such complicated families, the time it takes for people to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop some family history is significant, usually at least four years." For additional resources, consider Barbara LeBey's Remarried with Children: Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family (Bantam, 2004).
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| Last Updated on Thursday, 11 March 2010 22:02 |