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The Perfect Match: Romance – And Realism
A new romantic relationship can make all of life look rosy. Things that ordinarily bother you don't even dent your euphoria. While this feeling often leads to thoughts of marriage, it's wise to blend romance with realism. Here's our best advice for lovebirds.
1. Don't Rush to Get Married
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 59 percent of first marriages between couples age 18 or younger end in divorce within 15 years, versus 35% of those between couples age 25 or older. Waiting a few years can make a big difference! If your "special someone" really is meant for you, there's no need to rush.
2. Build on Friendship
Relationships that begin with friendship are usually more stable. Get to know each other in a variety of situations.
A long-term study by the University of Texas in Austin identified three early courtship paths: fast and passionate, slow and rocky, and in between. The fast-track group, about 25% of those studied, tended to ignore or forget initial problems and were committed to marriage within several months. The slow-motion group averaged two years to reach a commitment, spending up to six painstaking months in each relationship stage.
After 13 years, however, the tortoises were more likely have a successful marriage. "The more boring and deliberate the courtship, the better the prospects for a long marriage," says Ted Huston, the studies' lead investigator. "People who had intense, Hollywood-type romances at the beginning were likely to have a big drop-off later on, and this often changed their view of the other's character" ("The Brain in Love," L.A. Times, 12/16/02).
3. Learn What Makes a Healthy Relationship
Among the many good books on this topic, we recommend Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Leslie Parrott's, Relationships (Zondervan; New Ed, May 1, 2002). And consider taking our class, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette).
4. Develop Your Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple's marriage will succeed by watching them interact for as little as five minutes. His secret? Observing how they handle conflict. All couples have conflict. But those who interact positively strengthen each other and the relationship. Couples with a negative pattern usually tear down each other.and their marriage. Happily, you can learn positive patterns-the earlier, the better, to avoid bad habits. We suggest our class, "Passage to Intimacy" which you can take as a couple. Or if you prefer to take a class by yourself first, may we suggest "Within My Reach,".
5. Don't Live Together First
Moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend as a "trial marriage" doesn't work! Recent research by the University of Wisconsin indicates 40 percent of cohabitants break up before getting married. Couples who do marry after living together experience a 50% higher divorce rate than those who didn't cohabit.
6. Take a Relationship Inventory
If you're talking about marriage, take a premarital inventory such as FOCCUS, PREPARE, or RELATE before you get engaged. These inventories highlight relationship areas you should address before you pop-or answer-the question. Call us for a referral to a church or organization to guide you through the process: 920-430-7300.
7. Check Your Commitment Right Now
Ask each other these three questions:
This vital discussion not only shows your dedication to the relationship, but also lays the groundwork for a strong, healthy, lifelong marriage.
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| Last Updated on Thursday, 11 March 2010 21:43 |